I’ve not had the capacity to sit and write for some time. Christmas was such a beautiful time, my husband’s birthday, New Years, the anniversary of my brother’s passing, my birthday… The end of December and month of January are always inevitably emotionally taxing. A war raging beneath the surface, and each year looks different for me as I’ve grown in my walk with Christ. And rather than gritting my teeth and pushing through, putting the focus on ME, I’ve learned when I need to pull back from certain areas and focus my attention on where it matters most. My home and the people living inside it.

Little children are the best radars for hypocrisy, and more than anything I want to reflect the words we preach to them. A genuine faith is not born from white knuckling through life as if everything is okay. As Christians, we learn to suffer gracefully. For me, it means slowing down and hyper-focusing on the blessings in front of me and in turn, blessing others around me. Practically, this is praying, singing, worshiping, making space for conversation, baking together, delivering said baked goods to neighbors and friends, crocheting projects as gifts for unexpected recipients, using whatever energy the Lord has given me today to turn my sorrow into joy. Because of Him, I rejoice. He is my strength.

This post was sitting in drafts for the past month and half, written by the Spirit. I hope you enjoy it and hear my heart. May He be glorified.

You know those times — the ones where you said or did something that you immediately wish you could take back. If only we could do a quick double tap to rewind the last ten seconds and restart. Those painful, hurtful, accusing words that never should’ve left your tongue.

I’ve done it more times than I can count. Ya girl has a hot head and a sharp tongue. I’m not proud of it. The Lord is faithfully working on me. Also, my husband is a saint.

But the damage is already done, you said it, you did the thing, you chose YOU instead of the other person, and now your choice is to walk in pride or humbly do the work to fix your side of the issue. Those things are easier said than done. And it usually takes much longer to repair than it does to break.

I think you’re familiar that pit-in-your-stomach feeling that I’m talking about. The one that nags you and pops into your mind to remind you of that thing you did that you can’t take back. Even after you’ve apologized, prayed through it, repented, and laid it at Jesus’ feet… Our brains really love to hold onto that stuff don’t they? The enemy is the ultimate deceiver and boyyyy does he love it when we hold onto our pasts!

Well, I know for me, there’s about a billion and one reasons (excuses, actually) that we can come up with for why we did what we did. As we reflect on our regretful behavior, we can easily blame it on sleep deprivation, stress, lacking nutrients, medications, hormones, overstimulation, burn out, or just straight up lacking self control. And these things could absolutely largely contribute to a short temper, impulsive tongue, lack of patience, brain fog, snappy attitude, etc. Actually, if you’re a parent, I pretty much guarantee you have had at least one of those at some point. But none of them come with a license to sin.

You name it, there will always be an “easy out” to excuse our sinful behavior. And understanding the reason why it happened is only a small piece of the puzzle. Once we do the work to humbly and honestly seek the root of our problem, the Lord can use that to guide us toward Him in the midst of laying down our pride as a daily exercise.

Please know I have an extremely empathetic heart towards others struggling within their minds. When we begin hate ourselves instead of the sin itself — it’s a major problem. Seek the Lord, friend. His Word does NOT return void.

Through honestly realizing our actions and laying down our swords (aka pride), we begin to see ourselves for what we really are. Our perspective shifts to become better aligned with Christ when we can identify and point out the sin in our own hearts. Not only that, but developing a hatred for the sin which grabs hold of us brings a sobering awareness of our need for a Savior. A repentant spirit is (re)born as our concrete hearts are replaced with contrite.

Another reality: we do not belong to ourselves. I studied chapter one in Romans with my husband few weeks ago, and Paul uses the word bondservant, which is so much more than just a mere servant. The original greek word used here is “doulos” which basically means a person that is owned. When we accept Christ, we literally go from being slaves to sin, to slaves for Christ. He quite literally purchased our souls with His blood. All He asks in return? Repent and believe. Be Holy as He is Holy. It is HIS righteousness that covers us.

Dying to ourselves over and over again is foundational in the walk of a believer. We simply cannot follow Christ if we’re also seeking our own pleasures. Laying down our thoughts, our burdens, our desires, our dreams, our pasts, all of it. Every single day. Surrendering to the Lord is not a “one and done” thing, friends. We don’t go sit in church on Sunday morning just to go drinking and cussing at the bar on Friday nights. (That used to be me too)

Our entire lives and everything within reflects what we believe about Him. It is our ability to seek His face when we know we have no other choice, it is praising Him on the mountains and in the valleys, it’s opening the Bible and earnestly trying to hear what He has to teach you, it’s praying with your children through disciplinary moments, it’s apologizing when we mess up and giving grace to others when we are wronged. It’s extending unwarranted kindness and grace to the most undeserving of people. Because He already gave it to us. Despite everything we’ve done and ever will do, He already made the ultimate sacrifice for YOU. Because you are loved, cherished and precious in His sight.

Something practical we must realize — God made each of us in His image, with our own individual qualities, gifts, personalities, and yes, sufferings. We suffer differently. We sin differently. What cuts the heart of one, won’t even bat the eye of another. We cannot expect other humans to understand our hearts. Our situation, our family, our circumstances, our illness, our bodies, our jobs, our relationships, our finances, our minds, our hearts, are not universal. Our sinful nature however, is.

There are a few special people God may grant you in your life that are able to meet you where you are, despite not being in your shoes. Hold onto them and love them back. But remember, they too are just people. Eventually, someone you love will say something invalidating or hurtful to your experience, and you’re called to extend them grace. Nobody here on earth will be able to understand your grievances more than your Lord. Bring them to Him.

We must not wallow in our pity. There is a healthy balance between loathing our sin and walking in the power God has given us. Because we are like impatient toddlers running free in a big world, we are constantly trying to take control. Every single day we have weak moments where we try to rely on ourselves or others for understanding. This will only ever lead to heartbreak. Ask me how I know. Oh, you too? Pride and self preservation, now that is universal.

Thinking I can do it on my own and subconsciously being “busy” always leads to a spiral of darkness. We can’t bear the weight of this world alone, we were never meant to. The enemy wants us to be isolated, lonely, and desperate for answers. Sound familiar? Yeah me too. Opening our eyes to the spiritual warfare happening around us every day is also sobering and thought provoking. (My husband is reading Screwtape Letters by CS Lewis right now, and what he’s shared with me about it — wow!) God is working in your life and He is the Victor — but please know the enemy does not sleep either! This truth doesn’t scare us, it ignites us.

God has called us righteous. He has clothed us and called us good. Not by anything we have done or ever will do, but only because of the work done on the cross for you and me, by His Son, Jesus Christ. It is through the shed blood of Jesus that He has paid for our sin, we are bought with the precious and perfect life of Jesus, and we are to die to ourselves and pick up our own crosses to follow Him.

It is only through His loving kindness that we can receive the Holy Spirit as believers and have prayerful access to the loving Father, Creator of the universe, that so desperately wants relationship with us, His children. We are to rely on Him because we know our weaknesses. We don’t pity ourselves or drag our own names through the mud with guilt, shame, doubt and thoughts of self-harm, no! We are to hate the SIN and the enemy which works so hard against us every single day. We celebrate our weakness because He is who He says He is.

We must come to understand there is no condemnation for those in Jesus Christ. We are loved and forgiven before we even speak the words. Actually, our own thoughts are words to the Lord.

At night, when my sleepy mind is viciously and suddenly attacked with disturbing, demonic, grotesque images (things I’ve never exposed myself to in media or otherwise), it takes all the strength in me to say the words in my head or quietly with my mouth, “Thank you Jesus, my Lord and Savior, you are a good father, the enemy is a liar and you are my King” Something along those lines that places direct emphasis on Jesus’ power and Lordship over Satan’s schemes. It takes only a second and as instantly as they came on, the flashing images are gone. Not that they won’t try to come back, but I just do the same thing again, with the same result every time. God has not delivered my mind from these disturbing thoughts, it’s a small piece of the war that wages itself in my mind on a daily basis, but I believe in the power of our Savior and I know He is with me in it.

This is a small example of the power we have access to through our Heavenly Father. Do we believe that? Do we actually live as though we have access to speak directly with the King of Kings? He has made a way for us to Him, through His own precious Son. Do we grasp the magnitude of what really happened at Calvary?

I don’t know about you, but I find myself constantly in a state of awe for Jesus and our Lord. What a beautiful design and perfect rescue plan. When things go wrong in our lives and disaster strikes, He is not the flawed one friends. He is not the one to blame. He is only worthy of our praise and worship. In the darkest of moments, there is air in your lungs only by His grace. Your breathing body, a miracle in itself.

May we turn as quickly away from sin as we do toward it. May He break our hearts for what breaks His. May He bring us closer to Him each day, and may we have ears to hear and eyes to see. I’ll stop there. I think you get it. Thanks so much for reading,

Ash

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To God be all the glory.